Transform Attachment Issues Into Healthy Relationship Behaviors
We hear a lot about Attachment Theory and the two types of insecure attachment–anxious attachment (focused on keeping the partner in close proximity) and avoidant attachment (the need to maintain a “safe” level of distance while retaining a bond.
There are internet tests aplenty that “diagnose” your attachment style and might even point to advise for pairing with someone who might test differently than you do. The truth is, while there are tendencies, most of us behave in ways that could be interpreted as anxious or attached, and even demonstrate some behaviors of secure attachment.
Most of us (about 80 percent) would not test as securely attached, at least in the not-internet-ready assessments conducted by Mary Ainsworth, et al, meaning we all wander around with some version of insecure attachment.
The good news is that we can ALL learn to develop the habits of secure functioning in a relationship. These are behaviors, afterall, and are learnable. Dr. Stan Tatkin offers four habits any couple can develop to develop secure functioning habits. We can do this by learning the following four practices:
What is the best way to approach my partner, and what is the way I prefer to be approached by my partner. This can be for conversation, requests, intimacy, to resolve or repair a conflict, etc.?
What are the words, phrases, or behaviors that create a threat response in my partner. Put another way, what are the triggers that interrupt our connection?
What are the deep wounds from the past, and vulnerabilities of the present, that make my partner likely to become defensive, shut down, avoidant or anxious?
What is the best way to rapidly offer my partner relief?
It may sound simple, but in reality this is a lot of work. Perhaps the biggest reason it’s a lot of work is that each partner needs to be willing to be vulnerable enough to get past blaming the other person for everything that’s wrong. This is not easy to do, but that’s another topic. And it’s far from impossible. The good news: Once you can reliably begin to engender these practices in your daily relationship behaviors, you will see that your partner’s behavior is no longer excessively avoidant or anxious because they will begin to feel the benefits of secure functioning.
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